In most leagues - you can see when a manager made his last move – and you can therefore tell that he’s “been on”.

When I notice a guy had time to log on and move some guys around or make a quick pick up, but neglected to answer my trade, I simply get exhausted with him and question why the game’s been put on PAUSE?

I usually give the manager the benefit of the doubt and generally leave an offer up for 2 days provided nothing has changed to suggest I do otherwise. I leave comments as well – explaining why this deal may be good for us both.

If he doesn’t agree - and rejects – despite being sometimes floored that he won’t make the deal – I graciously move on.

I have NO problems with a fellow player saying “NO” – I don’t take his stupidity personal - and nor should you! Players have every right to reject a swap - even if you think they’re acting crazier than your ex-girlfriend for doing so.

But to ignore your trade offer – let alone one you felt was fair and beneficial to both parties - for several days? Hmmm…

Well, that my friends is as rude as a Barry Bonds interview.

But Screwter - Perhaps the guy wants to see if he can make a subsequent deal first?

Or perhaps he’s not been following the latest goings on in the world of Fantasy Baseball so he needs to - ala “Who Wants to be a Millionaire” - phone a friend for a more expert opinion.

Fine.

If either of these are the case - or if you are just too busy to collect the pertinent data required to hypothesize such a deep and meaningful question - at the very least send the trade sender a brief note stating that you need a couple of days to think it over.

A couple of days - AS in 48 Hours!

I re-iterate - that is the absolute longest it should ever take to respond to a trade offer!

Not a couple of weeks.

Again – we are not debating something that requires a tremendous amount of depth here.

It’s about as cut and dry as doing away with the joke that is Ontario’s mandatory vehicle emissions testing known to us long suffering hosers as:

Here’s a brief note to the dynamic duo responsible for such a heinous test - The Ministry of Environment (MOE) and The Ministry of Transportation (MTO):

PLEASE consider doing something about the thousands of transport trucks going up and down the 401 every day and leave my 2001 4 cylinder sh#t box alone –Please eliminate this bogus test that can be duped by a $10 product from Crappy Tire entirely – and please do NOT replace it with some test that is even worse!Sorry, that LITTLE angry Canadian rant was a little off topic eh? Well, if you don’t like my point - then TAKE OFF eh!

IN SUMMARY

There are lots of things to learn in life – here are three lessons that, in my opinion, will make the world a much better place if we all abide by them:

1) AS Tarantino taught us – you NEVER, EVER under any circumstances key another man’s vehicle! You just don’t do it. It’s the act of a d#ckless d#@hbag! Messing with another human being’s ride is grounds for execution! You just don’t do it!

2) Take no more than 48 Hours to decide on ANY Fantasy trade proposals – EVER!

There.

Now if only everyone conceded to these two minor rules in life!

Wouldn’t the world instantly become a better place!

Well…that and get rid of Ontario’s mandatory ‘Drive Clean’ e-tests once and for all!

Oh! And abolish ALL telemarketing calls, but that goes without saying!

There. Now the world IS definitely a better place!

You can all thank me later…I leave you with a quote:

“When music and courtesy are better understood and appreciated, there will be no war.” - Confucius

Peace out players! Your opinionated pal - Screwter.

No, I’m not here to discuss the virtues of one of the very few Eddie Murphy films I can actually stomach, but rather the time it should take a Fantasy Manager to respond to a trade proposal.

That’s right - 2 days is plenty of time to figure out whether or not you want to part with your best closer - or deal that diamond in the rough that you’ve been hanging on to. It’s also enough time to decide on a multi-player swap as well.

I am getting increasingly tired of the response time some managers take to ponder and debate trade proposals. Almost to a point where I just as soon head to the waiver wire for some instant gratification rather than wait…and wait…and wait…

As serious a player as I am - we are playing FANTASY BASEBALL folks – not trying to figure out the inner workings of a conspiracy to keep marijuana illegal - or asking for evidence for a neo-populist speaker to admit that the speaker does not speak for the people.

Huh?

A typical one for one trade is usually a simple resolve. Well, at least it should be.

WILL this help make my team better? (This is the obvious first thing I ask myself, what about you?)

If you answer YES – than pull the trigger and make the trade before the guy making the offer gets feet colder than Scott Baio’s and cancels his offer.

Some players just can’t ‘ever’ seem to make up their minds can they?

If you answer NO – then ask yourself- why not?- and perhaps either counter, or dig a little deeper into the schedule to see what lies ahead for the players in question.

Keeper leaguers and multiplayer deals can be a little more difficult. A players age and potential may be more prevalent considerations as one labors over this non-life threatening decision.

And yes when a deal consists of several players it can be a bit more challenging to dissect the offer- but not so difficult that you require an entire week to “think it over”!

If you think you are being nice by not rejecting a trade instantly that you don’t care for, and have almost zero chance of making - think again.

The manager offering the deal has spent his valuable time trying to devise a plan to try and better his team – and if he’s smart, he’s come up with something that might help you out in the process – that’s when most deals get done – WIN/WIN right?

NOW, in turn, you owe him the courtesy of a response!

AND IT SHOULD NOT TAKE THAT LONG TO FIGURE OUT!!!

Obviously during the dog days of summer we may occasionally be gone on vacation. If you plan to be gone to a deserted island where WI-FI is not an option, or your significant other has asked that you leave the laptop at home – simply post a message stating that you will be away from your CPU for the designated time your trip has been planned.

It sounds simple enough…

But I’m willing to bet a lot of players NEVER even think about offering such a courtesy to the rest of their league – but why!!!??? Because they are the competition - and thus the enemy?

That’s horse manure. This is a GAME people – and one which should be embraced equally for its fun and comradery as the quest to win a few dollars or your league’s imaginary Fantasy trophy!

There’s nothing more satisfying than wondering for days on end - and maybe in some cases over a week - why Bob from accounting has not decided to accept your Atkins for Aramis offer is there?

So @#@# frustrating!!!   Read more on this tomorrow…

We gotta hand it to the marketing strategists who work for the St. Paul Saints minor league baseball team.

They recently gave out 2500 bizarre promos that obviously poke fun at Senator Larry Craig and his dubious tap with the rest room police last year. For more on the zany, but effective Bobble-feet promotion, go to their website.

Sales for the item on Ebay Auctions have been brisk - selling for around $75 bucks and higher!

Considering the fact that a member of the Saints marketing team is Mike Veeck, son of legendary major league promoter Bill Veeck, and comedian Bill Murray is part-owner of the team – we can see how an idea like this came to fruition.

Tasteful idea or not - our stance - the promotion sold the little known minor league team out the night of the giveaway, and gained tremendous media attention.

Verdict: Great to see an organization step out of the box a bit, and induce some inventive ideas into a game that essentially has been the same for over a 100 years.

And we gotta admit, we wouldn’t mind one of these to put next to our Dwight!

Some folks in the baseball realm have been bashing Joel Zumaya for the recent photos that have surfaced on the internet that show the rehabbing flame thrower at what appears to be a house party doing a “kegstand”

The shoulder looks to be holding up well Joel!

Perhaps I’m in the minority here, but I give this one a big ol’

“SO WHAT!!!???”

Zumaya has proven that he is going to play by his own rules since joining the league.

Whether it’s playing Guitar Hero, adding to his arsenal of tattoos, or doing kegstands at house parties - people need to keep in mind…

He’s a 23 year old guy!

He’s not breaking the law, and heck there isn’t even proof when these pictures were taken? It could have been a year ago?

Even if it was last week - Who really cares?

Sure, I understand when you see an athlete who is suppose to be rehabbing a bum shoulder doing a kegstand at a party you may question his integrity, and his conviction to getting back to playing.

But, I’m sorry, a couple of photos of a guy having a little fun isn’t reason to throw Zoom Zoom under the bus.

He’s not scheduled to pitch. 

He’s not doing illegal drugs.

He’s not behind the wheel of a vehicle.

And I re-iterate…  

He’s 23 years old!

So, whether I see Kyle Orton parading around with an entire bottle of Jack Daniels in hand or Matt Leinart letting loose with Nick Lachey…or whoever out partying and having what appears to be a little too much of a good time, I don’t sweat it too much.

As a fan I’d encourage anyone overly concerned to realize, these are ALL very young men just letting loose a bit.

Sometimes, like any other red blooded alpha male, they go a bit overboard. But I think many of us can attest that back in the day, most of us have had one of these kinds of nights.

Prior to the internet, and every human on earth carrying a digital camera, we missed a lot of these precious “Kodak moments”

But trust me.

Young professional sports figures have not just recently begun tipping the elbow. Just nowadays, with the advent of continuous media scrutiny, these sorts of pictures seem to surface more and more.

And don’t give me the “athletes should be role models for your kids” thing. They still can be.

Zumaya is not shown here at a function signing autographs for your sons and daughters while downing a flask in between signatures.

He’s at a house party.

Oh, and did I mention …..he’s 23!?

I’m willing to bet that many of these guys are involved with plenty of charity work.

In fact, they probably do more good for their community than both you and I combined, and are in all liklihood pretty down to earth individuals who are just out to have a little fun now and then.

They do, however all have one thing in common. They are all VERY YOUNG.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go pour myself a beer, and enjoy the game.

Ridiculous trade offers, just tick me off!

The term ridiculous can be interpretive. But, we’re all likely too familiar with an infamous few who, on more than one occasion, have offered up deals seemingly more moronic than Matt Millen’s draft board!!! 

PLEASE, I’m begging you—Don’t make the mistake of offering 2 or 3 borderline fantasy players for 1 stud player! You are wasting everyone’s collective souls, and insulting their intelligence at the same time!

I understand a smart owner has every right to begin the bargaining regiment by offering up a little less than he’s actually willing to part with.  FINE. I get that.  But if you are going to continuously bombard manager’s inboxes with countless asinine offers right out of left field, expect them to grow tired of your extreme low-ball tactics, and eventually in many cases…word will spread that you are an insane fantasy manager to deal with! (Well, golly shucks ya sayin’ that can actually happen sometimes on that thar intranet thang?) Yes.

Worse yet, sometimes a trickle effect can occur. Whereby if your offers are insultingly bad, some abolishing alliances can form against you, risking any future consideration by other managers to make deals with you all season, and perhaps in keeper leagues, for years to come! Sound familiar? I hope for your sake it doesn’t.  

Also, don’t be the #’s guy. He’s the type that feels by tossing up several zany offers to each manager in the league, by sheer volume of trade offers, someone is bound to eventually bite. He even has the gall to get mad when no one does. “I offered all sorts of trades, and no one wants to make deals in this league!” If you’re in a relatively competitive league, all managers will see crap for what it is…CRAP!

Instead, concentrate on some well thought out, and fair trade offers.  In my experience, I’ve found that before I make an offer, I have some inhibitions, and will even say to myself: “I’m not certain this is fair to ME?” Chances are, you’re getting a bit closer to a potential deal if this thought crosses your mind. 

One common, but great tip is to try concentrating on dealing your strengths, while catering offers to managers whose team has weaknesses in the areas/positions you own a lot of.  

Another ‘Duh’ guideline is that a manager is far more likely to close a deal with you if it HELPS him! Otherwise, why the heck’s he going to make the trade? By the way, don’t toss in an extra mediocre player if it actually forces the manager you’re trading with to drop a more valuable player than the one you’re ‘tossing in’! This is a surefire way to sour a potential exchange~! 

Last ‘Duh’: Usually, trades are made when a WIN-WIN situation exists, whereas both parties view the trade as advantageous to their respective teams! The fantasy sports world has changed from years ago. With the advent of numerous fantasy websites created to assist you with knowledgeable decision making, the days of the fantasy ‘chump’ have all but disappeared! 

So keep that in mind, the next time you conjure up your next ‘humdinger’. My final advice: Offer trades, not insults! And leave the Screwter to me!